dedicated to Ly Nguyen

Every moment that your not sharing the same oxygen..
It feels like i can not breathe; im suffocating..

Every moment that your not sharing the same night skies..
It feels like forever keeps us in a endless line..

Every moment that your not in my arms..
It feels like im growing weaker instead of growing strong..

I miss you a whole lot more than you can tell
Yet i dont show it ; because i dont want you to feel this way as well..

I love you more than i can ever explain..
Yet we are thousands of miles away..
Our love is the love that people search a lifetime for..
And i am truly happy that i can finally stop searching..

Because the greatest gift of all...










































...is you<3

Nothing is perfect.

what if i became a mute can you hear me shout?
listen to my words and hear me out.
what if i was blind can you see what i see?
glare at the sight of who i use to be..
what if i cant walk would you walk in my shoes?
walk a thousand miles to see what i do..
what if i lost my life.. would you live mines for me?
try to fix the problems that seems to consume me.


Nothing in life is perfect..
But live this life and find whats worth it..
Living this life alone is dark and depressing..
Find the one for me. or you will be regretting..

hidden

if you would like to read part 5 of the love story
im me for info if i agree to show. besides that its not shown to the eyes of the public.

epilogue of the love story

when you have found the one thing you have always searched for
dont be stupid like me and let it pass by.
it was the most foolish thing i had done.
and now each night i sleep and wake up to cries.


turn around turn around, lets turn the hands of time.
take back take back, lets take back what was mines.
the love what still sparks in my soul
the love that has fallen for you, girl.
the closest thing you can be to me is a best friend..
one day someday lets let the wounds mend.

part 4 of the love story

i went to my friends birthday dinner and i sat with someone i crushed on last year.
we talked and i started to crush on her more. and each time we did something she was there. and i fell for her even harder. i was friends with Suong that was friends with Alix that was friends with her. and we had a group called LATA. i was really fond of it because it was all my closest friends in one group.

i started to fall her LYLY more and more. and she started to feel the same for me.
and one night as we were hanging out i asked her if she would be my girlfriend.
and she said yes on August 12,2007. and that day on i did everything with her.
watch movies and hanging out.

i thought i had finally found it. but before i can make sure of it.

my mom and i got into a fight. and i was sent away once more. i was sent back to California again. but i was living on my own. my aunt help take care of me but she can do so much. i worked at my uncle's friends place and went to school. and each holiday i would visit LYLY.

and each time my boss disliked it. so after Christmas he let me go. and i was jobless so i couldn't pay for much anymore. i was out looking for jobs but it was really hard for my age. 17 living on my own and without a guardian. so i told my LYLY what situation i was in. and she said she would help me because she wants me back with her.

so she told me she had found a place for me and everything. i had told my aunt. and she let me go. as i arrived i had nothing. she was fooled the place i was suppose to stay at was a bust. so her and i kind of ran away for a little bit. her parents knew about a guy but didn't think it was me. so in a way i was safe.

and LYLY's sister said for me to live with her; so LYLY's family knows she is safe. and that's where i stayed. i went to school and found a job.
but i couldn't work and go to school because i had to pay rent as well. i asked my mom to help me but she gave me the cold shoulder.
so i dropped out of school so i can make a living.
i guess i was fine with it because i was with my lover. and i loved her very much.

we went to the beach. with our friends and that was the first time ever i went to a beach with someone i loved. we played with the sand and swam together. and i had the biggest smile on my face.

as time progressed so did my time too. i felt like i am not doing well enough for us both. and my step dad came to visit me. so i asked him if it was OK if i moved with him so i can better myself. but for my choice there is a consequence. i would have to lose LYLY. but if i do this i might be able to give us a future. but i didn't think she thought of it like that.

i moved to Houston with my dad and i lived with him and my sister. i didn't like my dads gf nor their little daughter either. but as long as me and my sister was together i was fine.

2 weeks had pass and LYLY called and told me that she was moving to Houston too. she was moving here for school just like me. and i was REALLY happy to hear that. because i was reunited with my girlfriend once more. it was still summer so we had our fun's. went to the malls and where ever our minds took us.

and as the summer began to fade away. my real dad wanted me to live with him. and i was bleh about it because i never met the man. but my aunt had because i asked her too. and she said he was a nice guy, and i should give him a chance. so i did. and with that choice i had lost LYLY once more.

i had told her the news and she was sad and irritated. because she moved here for me and I'm moving away from her. which i think made her think i didn't love her like she loved me but i really truly did. as the days got older. i spent most of it with her.
i did everything i can with her. and on my last day there; she took me ice skating. and it was the first time i did that with a love as well. she also bought me a black cap that i really wanted.

and as she took me to the airport i sat with her and said how much i loved her and she said the same to me.
as i was getting into the corridors i turned around and she was gone. it made me sad but i know she had better things to do.
but as i was getting on the plane. i only teared i didn't cry. because i remember the last time i ever cried like this was when i moved away from Lily.

i was on the plane and thought of how can i love LYLY if i still love Lily..
it made me sad because I'm not even sure if i loved LYLY like i loved her.
but i still love her a lot. and she was all i got when everyone left me.

as i got to California i stayed with my aunt that night. and the next day i was with my dad. i talked to LYLY on the phone everyday because i didn't want her love for me to fade. day after day she grew apart from us. but i never lost love in her.

and one night she was on the phone with me and she told me what she had done...
which stunned me really bad.. she had cheated on me. we were on a break but we were still together. and she had done something i wouldn't of thought she would..
a few days later i let her go. but her memories still drowned my mind.
and till this day i still cant let her go. even what she did. i still love her.

part 3 of the love story

i sat on the plane waiting to land in a new life that was giving to me.
and my mom picked me up and she was oh so happy to see me.
as we were on the ride to my new home. i couldn't stop thinking of lily..
i wonder what she was doing and how she is.
but i never spoke of it out loud. because no one needs to know my burden.
a week later my 4th had broken up with me because of the distance between us.
i cried but it made her happy because she wanted someone closer.
and i let her go i didn't fight for her didn't even bother..

i went to my new school and again i felt lonely as ever..
but my summer fling attend the same school so she told everyone not to pick on me.
heh.. is that suppose to make me feel better?
i met my friend from elementary way back in the days. i couldn't believe he still remembers me.
so i hung out with them and just sat around. and in class i was the Asian kid in the background.

my mom's boyfriend had a little brother about my age Dee. he showed me around he became a close friend to me. and i use to play a game he plays a lot. and it was cs.
and i started to play more and more and that's how i met my 5th. Hang was her name, she lived in ft worth, and i lived in New Orleans. but we made it work 3 months in the relationship i felt like we had much in common, and my mom went to visit my sister so she took me to see my girlfriend. i stayed with her for thanksgiving. and while i was with her. i had lost myself to her. didn't want to didn't need to. but she wanted to. and i loved her and i believed she was someone i was going to marry. so i gave myself to her.

my mom picked me up after the holidays was over and i was back at home talking to her. and i still thought of lily but we stopped talking. which made me sad but its fine shes happier without me. During Christmas i took a greyhound to visit her. i loved her a lot so i did anything for her. i stayed at her house again and her mom was eh about it. but she showed me to her close girlfriends and i was fine with that. we had fun and we fought a little over small things. but that's how all relationships are.

i took the greyhound back home and after awhile she lost interest in me. because i was too far. and she ended up cheating on me with this guy. i cried of course. and i hated myself for letting it happen.. i started to pop pills and misuse drugs. and i became accustom to them. my mom didn't know or she did but didn't say a thing. and i had no one to run to. because my best friends were in San Jose. so i made friends with the pills.

i always went out so i didn't have to be at home thinking of my sorrow over it. and i met Henry who became my closest friend in New Orleans. he talked to me when i was feeling down and depress to the max.. he was all i had.

another year and i felt so alone. never got rid of the pain that consumed me. i met someone but i didnt know what to think of it. her name was Pooh we had so much in common she liked me and i liked her. but she had someone else. Monkey some nympho that had won her heart somehow. so i met Donut. someone that wasnt my girlfriend she was my kick it buddy. someone who was there to do the boyfriend and girlfriend stuff but not the title.
we were doing fine. until we went over our promise. and we were not suppose to fall in love. we did so i had to push her away because i wasnt ready for it.

part 2 of the love story

first year of high school and i came with a broken heart.. and it hurts seeing my lily with someone like him. but you were happy so i was happy for you. and i kept my love to myself and never spoke of it again. and i was being my stupid self and somehow i caught an eye of another. we passed notes and i wrote her poems. she became my 4th lover. i felt happy yet i wasnt.. i popped pills and the was foolish.. i took money from my uncle so i can get Jessika gifts.. and for my action i was i was being sent to my mom.

but before i went i slept over my 4th's house and we talked and watched movie. and as we went to bed i slept outside of her room and she slept in her room with my cousin. she came out and said talked to me about how she is going to miss me; she teared.. but i couldnt shed a single one. i loved her i really did. but i didnt lover her like i loved lily.

a few weeks later lily invited me to her sister's 21st birthday. and we were setting it up. and as we were we were having fun. lily looked at me with those special eyes of hers. and i saw that spark still in there. as we danced the night away her aunt took me home. and in the car ride. she held my hands. i shed a little tear.. because she wasnt my girl she was his. that was the last night i saw her.

part 1 of the love story.

oh how i hated my first year of middle school.
always get picked on and was always the class fool.
and all the girls never thought i was that cool.
but they kept me around to be their friends.
all that will be and all that is.

i moved to a new school a year later.
i was new and i felt like a stranger. walking around with no one i knew. but in english class i met a friend i knew from elementary school.
i made some friends in other classes but i stuck with what i knew.
each day was the same, going in and out of this school i was bound to.
and i felt like how i use to feel..
just a kid that took up space. whats new.

as the year progressed i made a name for myself
and i was included with most. i felt happy. and at the end of the year i met my first. someone i liked for awhile and she finally became my girlfriend.
first day of summer we went to the mall and took a picture with all of our friends.
i felt at ease because i was included.

as the summer went on by so did her love for me. but instead of her breaking up with me.. it was her friend who did the job. i cried my heart out because i thought she was the one. but maybe i had to let go because we are young.
my cousin always came over because she had nothing better to do.
but thats when i met her, thats when i met you. each day you came over just to hang out and i would steal you from my cousin. and we played in the streets and sat on the curve staring at trees. yet when you are around i felt at ease.

but i didnt think you would like a boy like me. so i left it in the summer and started this new year. and saw my ex with my friend which somehow still hurted me so. but i know what we had was nothing so i let it go.
i saw you with your friends as i was with mines. but i couldnt get you out of my mind. no matter how far i went or was sitting in class.
we both knew we both liked each other. but you are too perfect to be with a boy like me.

so i met this girl who i dont even know. she became my 2nd. what a waste it was because we didnt talk nor did anything special.

and im sorry lily for hurting you the way i did. yet after it you still forgave me. you became my 3rd. you were my first of mostly everything like i was your first of everything. we had everything we wanted. yet while i was with you i felt like this was too good to be true. so i found a way to fcuk it up. i found a new.
i didnt know what i was doing or what i did to you. but after everything you still had a smile on your face and wished the best for me. i felt guilty. i came back after, i came back for you. and we were on and off. we still were one. after everything ive done.

i went to a dance and i wasnt your date. you were with another but i stole you from him and my friends helped. we had fun and you were my first "under the mistletoe kiss."

yet again i felt like you are too good for me. so i left once more.
this time i dont know why but i did..
this time it broke your heart. you werent the same. and afterall i was the one to blame. i felt ashamed i felt impaired.. that i killed my lily who was always there,for me no matter what. i became what i didnt want to be i became a slut.


but after, we were still talking. and we still liked each other. and i had to go for the summer i had to visit my mother. new orleans was fun and i met another. and i was stupid to feel she was a potential lover.
summer flings caught me by suprised.. but you werent fond of hearing it.

after i came back i came to my senses.. i knew you were my one my only. the night i figured it out i was a night too late.. because before i can tell you. you called me that morning crying. "why are you crying lily?" you cried even harder and i said "take your time." because no one has cried over the phone so i didnt know what to do.
but you said " colin, i dont think i love you anymore" i crashed and burned before i even saw the naked sun.. but before everything was truly over i gave you a book of poems i wrote for you. it was my gift. because i couldnt give you anymore.

ordinary

its another day just another ordinary day.
shes a girl, just another ordinary girl
but why does she make me feel this way?
she seem so extraordinary in this ordinary world.

i just, just want to take her hands and run away
from this world from this ordinary day.
she smiles at me and makes everything ok.
and when im with her i dont want it to fade away

her parents are ordinary, ordinary just like mines.
but shes so amazing how can this ordinary boy be so blind.
ordinary dreams just before she steps onto the scene
this ordinary boy is in love with her extraordinary eyes.

i thought everything in this world is ordinary but look at this love.
extraordinary, constantly i always have you above
and when we dance i lose myself in the thoughts of you..
smiling, im greatful to even have you.

ordinary boy in this ordinary world
found this extraordinary person fell in love with this girl.
i gave my heart to her like she gave her heart to me.
lucky to have found her im lucky to be me.

today i am officially alone.

when poetry isnt enough... and when they called all your bluffs..
and they found the diamonds in the rough so tough.
i find myself here finally, for sure. alone.
im staying in the darkness i was born in.
and forever isnt enough without the beginning.
and as im falling apart, falling to pieces my heart shatters
in a million pieces. i miss this

i drank the poison that was giving to me..
and now its all gone and im left here to bleed
door slams and broken mirrors... and now i cant possibly see it any clearer
my time is up and im facing the grim reaper..
you guys have won and im the loser.
always been should of seen it from the start..
could of sparred all these broken hearts

being invisble should of been my game..
stayed away from all these hurts and pains
and now im lying here lifeless with none to gain.
all the words that cut a hole in me.. ashamed.
and everyone is gone and i still remain.
in this life i was born in.
no one can, nothing can save me from what i became..
staring at the skies with my heart in hand
goodbye isnt easy but its all that remains.

see me dead in the bed that floats in the ground
alone just like the way we came here. no sound
im tired of speaking... when theres no one to hear me out.
the louder i cry the louder i shout
its all the same...

stupid cupid

im naked... in this world..
and if im gone.. would you know
im shaking.. from this cold.
and if im running.. would you follow?

this time cupid shot the wrong two.
broken hearts is all i can show for it..
and im left here without knowing the truth..
did you love me the way you said you did..
or was i the only one chasing you..

the future is openwide.. but my life has died..
and stuck trying to cope these lies..
realise now i have to compromise...
the thoughts that cloud my eyes..

its harder to prove whats right than whats wrong..
and i lost everything i thought that wouldnt be gone.
and its been a while since i sang our song..
inevitable my life was taken away..
from the sunlight that drowned my skies

invisible

today is gone.. and tomorrow is bleeding.
and im all alone because no one needs me.
and stuck in this spot.. when the world moves freely.
how am i suppose to find my place.. with my heart is empty.

life is dead to me.. how am i suppose to find the light?
when all that consumes me is the darkest of night.
i lived upon the failures of me and others.. is that life?
i hate everything that surrounds me.. is that right?

staring at these pictures of who i use to be...
no more smiles, and no more of this happy.
pushed everyone away so i can try to find me.
but at the end of the day im not who you want to see

broken dreams that just wont fade away..
pours more despair as it floods my days.
in the eyes of the arch angels cry..
i know my time is almost up. goodbye

happy birthday

my dad woke me up today and wanted to take me out all afternoon
so i got up and got ready as fast as i can.
he told me " we aren't in no rush Danny"
i smiled at him and said " OK let me go brush my teeth, and we can go"
he smiled at me and went downstairs to wait

i got downstairs and there was a cake for me " happy birthday Danny!" i was in shock because i wouldn't think he would remember.
we sat and ate the cake and when we finished we got into the car
"well Danny, I'm taking you to the aquarium because i know you love fish," he said. i smiled at him and asked " is mom going to be there?"
"she is already there, we are meeting with her." as we drove off i was staring at the clouds and just started to day dream.

" we are here Danny." my dad said to me. we got out and i saw my mom; so i ran and gave her a hug. we got in line. we got in and first thing i saw was the jelly fish. and my mom and dad was standing behind me holding each other. we walked around for awhile and i saw every fish i wanted to. and after that we went to eat spaghetti ( i love spaghetti ) and while we were eating the people that works at the restaurant brought out a cake and sang happy birthday to me. i was so happy that they thought of that.

and when we got home. my dad told me to get ready for bed. so i did and got into bed and waited for a bedtime story :]
he came into my room and told me to pick a book he wanted me to read. so i picked a book called Caroline. and as he was reading it to me. i was snuggling under his arms. and when he was done. he smiled at me and kissed me goodnight. and turned off the light.

" WAKE UP YOU GOOD FOR NOTHING!" my step dad was yelling at me. " WHY ARE YOU NOT DOING ANYTHING AROUND THE HOUSE!" he slapped me.. and grabbed me by the neck and said " I'm not your dad so don't think I'll love you like he did." he dropped me and walked out of the room. i cried and i went under my bed to grab my book coroline. and inside of it, i had a picture of my dad and a front page of a news paper. " daddy.. why did you have to go?" " DANNY, YOU GOOD FOR NOTHING COME GET MY DINNER READY!" he was screaming from downstairs. i put my book away and wiped away my tears and said " I'm coming.."as i opened the door my mom looked at me with tasteless eyes and pushed me down the stairs.. " hurry up don't make him anymore angry." she said to me.
" OK mom."

when they both went to sleep and i cleaned up everything they wanted me too.. i went back into my room and opened the book and read the letter he left on my birthday.

Danny happy birthday! i love you and i always will. i will never ever leave you alone and never planning on it. you are my sunshine.

-dad

and i picked up the front page of the news paper and it read

November 15, 2001

a man was in a automobile and his breaks failed on him. and he rolled onto a train track while there was a train heading his way. the doors we're stuck and he was trapped inside.

" dad you never left me, you are just waiting for me on the other side." " I'm coming daddy" and i pulled out a knife i hid under the bed and i put a chair in front of the door. and i sat on my bed with tears in my eyes and i smiled. " daddy I'm coming home." and i closed my eyes and slit my throat. and i was lying there fading into my sleep. i saw my dad in the light waiting for me. as i ran to him. he opened his arms and said " I'm sorry my son i didn't want it to be this way." i smiled and said " dont worry, I'm with you again and that's all that matters." we both walked into the light.


November 15, 2003

a boy was found dead in his room. suicide by cut throat. and pictures of his father was scattered around the room. and noted they both died on the same day. also that today is Danny's birthday.

his love story

when we use to be kids and i was sitting behind you in class..
i use to stare at you and when you saw i turned away and laughed.
i loved waiting with you for our bus to come..
and maybe i was too young to even know this was love.
one day waiting for the bus it started to rain. and we had no umbrella
and i looked over and saw you with a sad look on your face
so i put my hands over your head to cover you from the rain
you looked at me with your special eyes and smiled that melted my heart.
i knew then i've done something that made you happy.

from that day on i walked you home when we got off the bus.
and i held your hands we giggled because this was new to us
each day i waited for you at the bus stop where we stand.
and you came walking with a bigger smile each day
you looked at me with your mesmerizing eyes..
sparkled like the stars brighter than the sky
on the bus we sat together and stared out the window..
talked about what we wanted when we grow up.
and who we wanted to be

in class i would write love notes and pass them to you
and it sucked when the teacher would find them and read it out loud
it embarrassed me so i looked away and grinned :]
at lunch we ate together your best friend and my best friend too
and i held your hands under the table because i liked you
we sat and talked about if we would always be like this..
and i told you of course always forever, promised with a kiss
you smiled and hugged me tight..and i knew we will always be alright.

we got older and went to highschool
instead of taken the bus we drove in car pools
instead of holding hands i held you by the waist. and our kissing went up a few levels..
and love hasnt felt anymore real than this. our talks became more vidal and meant so much more.
and went out for longer sitting in the dark at beach line shores.
i told myself i wanted you and nothing more.

as we got older so did your love for me.
each day that passed by you're fading away from me
and i still love you madly so constantly
and you wanted to break so you can see whats out there..what happen to always forever? do you still care?
now i see you in someone elses arms
i go crazy because we both know this is wrong
but you are happy and thats all that matters now.
even if its not with me.

i went to a party and saw you with him.
i got mad so i drank the pain away.. the more i drank the more i saw of you..
so i sat in a room alone and wrote a small note to myself
and you came in and sat next to me and asked " why do you still love me?" and i said to you " because you were my first love and my only love; no one can change."
you smiled at me and kissed my forehead and walked out.

i left the party by myself and drunk as i am i tried to find my way home.
walking around for hours clueless in these streets.
a car was speeding and rammed into me. as i flew into the air my shoes flew off my feet.
the impact knocked a hole in me. as i lie there bleeding to my death..
you came running to me; and said "im sorry.. im sorry." i said "for what?""
my boyfriend was driving and didnt pay attention" "dont worry everything happens for a reason"

i pulled the note out of my pocket and it was dripped in blood; i gave it to her.the ambulance was singing its song very loud.. took me in and drove to the hospital. but before they took me away i smiled at her one last time. as i was driving away i saw her crying...

as i saw the ambulance drive off; i opened the note that he handed to me. it read

my goddess my love and my all.
im sorry i couldnt keep you in love with thee at all.
love has its games and the stories it tells.
and our love was just another chapter in its tale.
i may not make you love me like when we were kids.
but i said i'll always forever and i sealed it with a kiss.
life has changed all that we know.
but my love for you is strong.
if death is the last way i can tell you how much i feel.
well then.
i love you always and never lost love in you at all.
i loved all the little things we did. like standing in the rain.
i love how much we grew up together
and i always thought it would be forever
its fine the way that it ended :]
because you are happy and im happy that you are.



at the bottom of the letter there was a smudge
it was his lips. and it said.
always forever,promised with a kiss

a flash back began and i remember sitting at a lunch table with him when he told me that.
i cried because i forgot who really loved me.
and my true love died for my selfishness..

too true

lets just let this just pass us..
and let it burn, let it be ashes..
i know i had you when i was average.
and now these memories of when i had yah..

it sucks when i fell down, feel over
and now i got the whole world on my shoulder.
and all i want is for this to blow over..
life use to be real easy, now it just harder..

i use to sit here and cry over you for days..
and hoping that i'll the strength to let it fade..
love just took me over and i was the slave..
i was soo lost didnt know i could be saved..

took a turn, took a different route.
hoping to find a new way out..
no one cares or hears me shout...
and im stuck under the pain.. with no way out.

my trust and my faith died that night..
when you told me what you did.. i cried
and at the end of it all i was stupid to not see the lies..
and now im heart broken and empty inside.

smiling became the hardest thing to do
because when i dream all i dream of is you
i know my time is up way past half due...
and in my mind i didnt want to believe it was true.

if you love something enough you have to let it go
always remember it in my heart and thats all i'll ever know
i can be happy and never let it this show
i love you a lot very much but its time to let you go

i need to find myself and i got to let him show..
and i got to remember im living this life not yo..
each day is a little brighter as the lights glow..
and im ready to accept im ready to smile for me not you